Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Why the Zombie Apocalypse will Begin in Sacramento

If science and religion have taught me anything in recent years it is that the world will end shortly.  A black-hole that is going to be created under Switzerland by some fancy new supercollider causing Jesus to return and rapture christians onto Noah's Ark which the Russians will proceed to nuke, or something like that.  This, of course, is not taking into consideration popular culture which seems to believe that the Mayan 2012 curse will leave us ensnared in a zombie apocalypse.  After careful consideration and much blank staring at maps I think I have discovered where the zombie apocalypse will begin... Sacramento, California.

I should state here that I do not choose Sacramento lightly.  It is a place I am invested in.  I went to high school in the area and I still have family there.  I do not choose the city based on a vendetta due to their practices of forcing peanut butter onto and into small children.  It's a sick and twisted practice and leaves children scarred and alone.  (The evil of peanut butter is another post entirely.) No, I choose Sacramento because I believe zombies to be strategically brilliant despite their claims of being slow moving simple minded brain munchers.  The zombie apocalypse has been extremely well planned.

Reason 1: Sacramento is a fair sized metropolitan area that no one really cares about.  The cool places  in California are the bay area i.e. San Francisco or down south in L.A. or San Diego.  The people in these places do not really care about the goings on in Sacramento.  It is viewed as, "That place where the government stuff happens." So the zombies can acquire a population of about 1 million or so with little or no notice while simultaneously taking over the state government and incorporating a pro-zombie political agenda.  These laws will look something like, government subsidies for brain harvest.  It will look like it could be zombies and it could also weird scientists.  Zombies also support weird scientists.

Reason 2: Easy access to the rest of the country.  In Sacramento two major interstates connect Interstate 5 running from Mexico to Canada and Interstate 80 running from the Pacific to the Atlantic. This allows Zombies to access many densely populated areas very easily, causing the quick downfall of civilization.  This will be important because Zombies need to get to L.A. quickly in order to produce their Zombie propaganda with the television facilities of Souther California.

Reason 3:  Access to food resources.  While Sacramento may technically be a "city" those who know understand that it is a basically a hyper-developed farming town.  Now, many assume that Zombies can only survive by eating brains, or at the very least other people.  This is not true.  They can eat pretty much any living matter but people are delicious and who can blame them for preferring things that taste good.  Another little known zombie fact is that Zombieitis (the disease that makes you into a zombie can be spread by consuming an infected food.  You can also get is from eating a Zombie but thats kinda creepy.  Since Sacramento produces a lot of food, particularly tomatoes it is prime tool for developing Zombie sleeper cells throughout the country.

Beware of the Zombieitis my friends and praise, good fortune and love to Zombietron our future overlord.

-theoreticalhero

Monday, November 15, 2010

Dinosaurs by State

While traveling the various spaces of the interwebs recently I discovered that the Triceratops is the state dinosaur of Wyoming.  This is news to me for two reasons, 1) there are state dinosaurs and 2) how the hell did Wyoming get the Triceratops? Clearly there was some sort of bank error because Triceratops > Wyoming, its science.  So I have compiled a complete list of the 50 coolest dinosaurs and matched them with their corresponding state by level of coolness of both the dinosaur and state.  For the more archaic dinosaurs I will provide a brief description of why that combo.


Alabama: Truckosaurus Rex, I don't think I really need to explain this.  He is also known as Robosaurus but that name is clearly inferior

Alaska: Giganotosaurus, while not actually the biggest dinosaur it does have the best name for a big dinosaur and since most of Alaska is unusable anyway they fit nicely.

Arizona: Lambeosaurus: A duck billed dinosaur from Mexico, if you want an upgrade you better be nicer to Mexicans or you get duck billed Mexican stuff forever.

Arkansas: Camarasaurus: I have no idea what to do for Arkansas so it gets this one. YAY this one!

California: Pterodactyl: Still an impossible word to spell but good ole CA deserves it.  Swooping dinosaurs of death really fits this state well

Colorado: Maiasaura: I should note that I am not doing this in order and have entered the free association part of the Dinosaur state chart.  Suffice it to say that this dinosaur goes here because I said so.

Connecticut: Oviraptor: This dinosaur looks like an egg, at least its head does.  And empirical verification (I asked the first person I saw) confirms that Connecticut is in fact egg like.

Delaware: Brachylophosaurus: At a certain point all these herbivores start to look the same.  I mean really dinosaurs be original with your look, add a necklace or a cool crown, maybe bejewel you toe nails, something.  The state and dinosaur are pretty non de-script, so paired they must be.

Florida: Brachiosaurus: The tall one always reminded me of old people, don't really know why.  Florida seemed fitting; munching on soft food in a retirement village.  Possibly wearing a brightly colored shirt.

Georgia: Yinglong Downsi: This probably does not belong in Georgia but I am running out of dinosaurs and I have no strong feelings for Georgia.  But, this one was found in a place called Oxfordian and that sounds really white. Therefore Georgia.

Hawai'i: Utahraptor: I know what your thinking the utahraptor should go with Utah, its in the name.  Well you're wrong.  Im not sure that Utah is a real place Im pretty sure its fictional and if you go there everything looks like a pop-up book.  In any case, it goes to Hawaii for the very good reason that the dinosaur is cool and so is Hawaii.  Utahraptor for the win.

Idaho: Eothyris: According to my sources the eothyris has multiple sets of canine teeth.  Since Idaho looks like an upside down tooth I figure they should keep each other close, like lovers in the night.

Illinois: Psittacosaurus: I have found a number of dinosaurs that have furry looking tails. This one of them and needs to be celebrated in the great state of Illinois. GO BEARS!!

Iowa: Unaysaurus: Really old dinosaur bent on world domination.  Its fossils have been found in Germany and Brazil.  its a good thing they are extinct or they would take over one cabbage at a time.

Kansas: Spinosaurus: Not only a cool name but a really big meany.  I couldn't think of a better place than Kansas

Kentucky: Paradapedon: This dinosaur is hideous.  It looks like an in-bred cross between a hamster and salamander.  Welcome to Kentucky, I'm sure you'll feel right at home.

Louisiana: Euhelopus: Another long necked dinosaur. Its original name was Helopus but some stupid bird took that name.  Either way the original name meant "marsh foot" so it goes to the bayou.

Maine: Hongshanusaurs: Another hairy tailed dinosaur. It kind of looks like the tail has a Mohawk.  In any case it more tail hair than most and should be able to survive the winters.

Maryland: Iguanadon: Could walk on two or four legs and has a great dinosaur name.  Maryland is a happy home for such a creature.

Massachusetts: Brontosaurus: A childhood favorite of mine that would engage in epic battles with the T-Rex and often win.  By the transitive property of dinosaurs, therefore Massachusetts > Texas.  That is a mathematical proof.

Michigan: Carnotaurus: I cant think of a better state for this dinosaur. Its name suggests that it is a meat eating Taurus which we all know is made by Ford, although not necessarily in Michigan anymore.  I think we need to face Carnotaurus against Truckosaurus Rex and see what happens

Minnesota: Diplodocus: Minnesota is a nice state.  I would consider living there if they had a season other than winter.  Either way it reminds me of a seesaw the same way the Diplodocus looks like a seesaw, very proportional.  Well done to both of you.

Mississippi: Barney: Mississippi is kinda like the US's small sibling, just lagging behind the times.  Until they learn to share and be nice they must be forced to endlessly watcht episodes of Barney and friends

Missouri: Stegosaurus: I have never known how to feel about Missouri, so much potential yet responsible for Bud Light.  I feel a similar way about the Stegosaurus, and here the two meet and shall remain forever bonded.

Montana: Giraffatitan: I can hear dinosaur enthusiasts are saying, "but theoreticalhero the Giraffatitan is very similar to the Braciosaurus!!!" To this I say, names are different so therefore they are different things that is all the proof I need.  By the way, this post has made me realize that dinosaurs have the best names.  Why are all the really cool names reserved for stuff that died before time?

Nebraska: Ankylosaurus: This is the one with the really cool club on its tail.  Basically its a reptilian whoopin' stick which is just awesome, not to mention armor!!  Basically this could be a World of Warcraft villain with no problem.  Nebraskans being country strong it seems a natural pairing

Nevada: Maraschus: This guys name reminds me of a meniscus and Nevada is kinda like America's knee, you can live without it but things are a lot more fun with it.  They seem to match pretty well.

New Hampshire: Edmontonia: Back to dinosaur free association.  Im sure there is a town in New Hampshire that sounds something like the name of this one so it goes here.

New Jersey: Pisanosaurus: Not much in known about this dinosaur, just as not much is known about New Jersey.  Sure, we think new Jersey is a perfectly reasonable place with reasonable people doing reasonable things.  But how can we be sure its not populated by sunflower-human hybrids with plans to make the world smell like the Jersey Turnpike??

New Mexico: Zuniceratops: This one goes to New Mexico because that is where is was discovered.  Im all for giving credit where credit is due

New York: Velociraptor: Small yet vicious and pretty smart, New York is not the biggest state but it will still fuck you up so be carful.  Besides they can open doors and know about reflections.  I would love to have them eat my face off.

North Carolina: Allosaurus, basically a "smaller" T Rex but still significantly bad ass.  It is also addicted to cigarettes so it will be at home in the tobacco fields of North Carolina.

North Dakota: Pachycephalosaur: This is the headbutting dinosaur.  Apparently some "scientist" contends that these dinosaurs did not actually butt their heads.  "Scientists" also say that Pluto is and is not a planet, clearly they know nothing.  TO NORTH DAKOTA WITH YOU!!

Ohio: Hylaeosaurus: Because.

Oklahoma: Saurophagnax: It goes to Oklahoma because it was found there and with a name that translates to "lizard eating monster" who doesn't want one as a pet.

Oregon: Dilophosaurus: That spitting dinosaur that ate Newman in Jurassic Park.  For some reason this one reminds me of Oregon, maybe because its raining in that scene, who knows...

Pennsylvania Herrerasaurus:  One of the first dinosaurs as well as one of the first states.  Not the biggest, meanest, or awesomest but still pretty cool nonetheless.

Rhode Island: Eoraptor: The smallest dinosaur on the list for the smallest state.  The only thing cooler than dinosaur names is their translations. Full name: Eoraptor lunensis. Translation: "Dawn plunderer from the Valley of the Moon."

South Carolina: Demetrodon: Basically this one looks like a meat eating sailboat.  You could also describe it as a land shark.  In either case, South Carolina needs a win and I am happy to provide it in dinosaur form.

South Dakota: Carcharodontosaurus: I don't really know why South Dakota gets this dinosaur.  Its a really big dinosaur and kinda reminds me of Mt Rushmore, for no particular reason.  I have never been to Mt Rushmore nor have I met this dinosaur.  I think that is enough to make them the same.

Tennessee: Megalosaurus: First dinosaur in the popular media and first to be displayed completely incorrectly.  Bad ass though, took on stegosaurus, space must be made in Tennessee.

Texas: T-Rex: Both are big, and eat a lot of meat. Besides, if Texas was a person I would picture him with really tiny arms.

Utah: Madeuposaur: I'm pretty sure that Utah does not exist anyway so they don't get a real dinosaur.  When I see proof that this is in fact a place I will reconsider this position.

Vermont: Plateosaurus: Whenever I think of Vermont I think to myself that is an herbivore with useless T-Rex arms.  Luckily there is a dinosaur for that.  Everyone I want you to meet Plateosaurus, Plateosaurus this is everyone....

Virginia: Triceratops: Taken from the bowels of Wyoming and given a proper place of respect in Virginia, rest well mighty triceratops.

Washington: Tyrannotitan: This is the greatest name for a dinosaur ever.  Combining titan with tyrannosaurus, are you kidding me?!?! This is the kinda of name that makes angels cry tears of joy. Thank you dinosaur naming dude, thank you.

West Virginia: Protoceratops: Basically a smaller triceratops without the horns.  Similar to the relationship between Virginia and West Virginia.  WV being the smaller less pointy one of the two.

Wyoming: Leptoceratops: I have put a lot of thought about which dinosaur Wyoming should get.  I thought about nothing because I do not appreciate Wyoming's brazen claim to the Triceratops. Instead it gets this one which is both found in Wyoming and looks like an impotent fish.  The wrongs of the world have been righted, for now....

-theoreticalhero

P.S. It is a lot harder finding 50 coolish dinosaurs than I thought.  You would think it would be a more popular topic.  Shame on you internet for being anti-saur.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Steve Jobs, Pterodactyl feud

I mentioned in a previous post that Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computers has a long standing feud with pterodactyls.  I realize now that this is not common knowledge and I should explain the beginnings of and current state of affairs.  I will say now that this is a long, dramatic, heart wrenching story filled with lust broken promises and at least 4 secret families, not to mention a labor dispute.

I should begin by saying that Steve Jobs is actually 24 million years old and not actually a "person" in the biological sense of the word.  Rather, he is a alien-robot hybrid capable of making us buy basically the same product over and over and over and over allowing him to slowly accumulate everything we love.  At this point he will then sell us back said loved things and incorporate a slave based system in which he will be overlord.  Mr Jobs is the creation of the 72nd meeting of the intergalactic political-get-along-happy-fun time.  A meeting that takes place so that aliens and robots can get together and discuss new cool hybrid animals.  Jobs was created because the meeting needed a proctor and both aliens and robots are control freaks, so the cyborg alien was created.  He used to look like a dinosaur but as the dominant species changes so does Steve.  I should say that this meeting takes place every 10 million years, so don't worry about getting tickets just yet.

Back in the day, Jobs used to run with the pterodactyls.  I can't really blame him for this after all they are dinosaurs and can fly.  I'm pretty sure that qualifies as two super powers.  As with most alien robot hybrids who are learning about the world around them and their prime directive, he became emotionally attached to the species of pterodactyl.  The dinosaur-bird-superheroes welcomed Jobs with open arms and he became part of the ream. (I don't actually know what a group of pterodactyls is called so I am going with ream.  I do welcome discussions on the proper term.)  At this point Jobs did not have any plans on world domination, he mostly just enjoyed his time flying about the sky and eating stuff.

I should say here that pterodactyls are actually extremely intelligent, they are much like dolphins in the sense that pterodactyls would much rather fly about the sky terrorizing a T-Rex than worry about building silly things like buildings or cell phones.  They determined early on that the cell phone only leads to to cell phone bill and who really wants to deal with that.  So began the feud between the two.  Jobs wanted to build shit and pterodactyls wanted to watch the T-Rex flail around with tiny arms.

The times were changing.  The pterodactyls knew this and thought it best to work with Jobs rather than fight change and end up extinct, like the rest of their dinosaur brethren.  Jobs soon began starting companies and needed a distribution system.  Fortunately for both pterodactyls and Jobs the dinosaur birds could carry heavy loads great distances.  And so, once again, the happy couple was back at it, working in tandem to create a better world.

Then......tragedy.  For an inexplicable reason the world pterodactyl population was plummeting, there was a shortage of eggs.  Months of intensive study by all top dactylologists yielded no results.  There was simply no reason for the pandemic.  On October 3rd 1983, USA Today broke the story (coincidently this was the last piece of journalism produced by this paper) many top businessmen had been secretly purchasing and eating pterodactyl eggs. They taste like bacon wrapped unicorn.  And, to add insult to injury, Jobs was the ring leader behind this craze.  He was using the money to try and help his computer business in trying times.

Pterodactyls everywhere were furious and began swarming Jobs' house. (He moved out of the hut years ago.) He was prepared.  Having seen this coming from the start of his egg eating escapades he had the latest in pterodactyl defenses installed.  It was a slaughter and further destroyed the pterodactyl population.  Today, there are almost no pterodactyls left.  Most are breed in captivity and many of those still cant survive long.  Number are dwindling and the road ahead is meek.  Clearly, Steve Jobs is to blame.

I'm sure many of you are hearing about this for the first time.  Thinking it is nothing but jokes and conjecture.  Fiction for any entertaining post than some will find entertaining but I assure you it is not.  With the popularity of Apple Computers now it is no wonder that people have either forgot or covered up the actions of one alien-robot hybrid.  So remember, every time you buy apple products you are supporting dactylocide.

-theoreticalhero

Monday, November 1, 2010

Rabid Squirrel for Governor of California

This, generally speaking is not a political blog.  I do not intend to go on and on about the misgivings of the political institution.  However, this election season I believe that one candidate has met my requirements to advertise their candidacy on this blog, his name: Rabid Squirrel.  I will use the remainder of this blog to lay out his plan for California and various policies on domestic and foreign affairs.  Many of his policies seem to be counter-intuitive, which is why I support him with such vigor.  Please consider this my effort to begin a write-in vote campaign on his behalf

Economic Policy


As a squirrel, Rabid Squirrel (RS) supports a nut based economy.  It is clear now that the dollar is weak and RS believes that using nuts, instead of dollars, will help the underrepresented population of squirrels thrive in a harsh world.  Generally speaking RS does not pander to his squirrel base like this, but he believes that leaving them the economic dark is not something he can stand for.  On a personal note i do not think he realizes that squirrels eat those nuts thereby negating some of their economic prowess.  Still though,  a bold stance nonetheless. RS is so comitted to this practice that he is only accepting campisgn donations in the form of nuts.  He plans to pay for his entire campaign with nothing but nuts and nut products.  If you plan on contributing Almonds and Walnuts are seen as the most valuable.

Balancing the Budget


We all agree that balancing the budget in Sacramento is one of the gravest concerns facing the state.  Bickering within the state legislature and the governor refusing to sign for reasons of political grandstanding have created a situation that only new thinkers can fix.  The position of Rabid Squirrel is such that humans have done an excellent job ruining everything and that it is time for another species to attempt global domination.  RS will bring a new voice to balancing the budget and if the legislature decides to drag their feet, RS can do something other governors cannot, threaten to bite them and give them rabies as well.  Trust me this is not an idle threat.  Most of RS's campaign team lives in constant fear of being attacked for a litany of offenses, everything from insubordination to failing to properly categorize any donation of nuts that come in.

Education


We all agree that education is important to our society.  RS is no different.  He does have a few new ideas on how to improve the institution of education.  First, working also to decrease childhood obesity he plans to institute a tree climbing mandate in all public schools.  Tree climbing will become an important part of all physical education classes.  He hopes that in learning to climb trees students will accumulate more wealth (by finding the nuts still in the trees) and get in better shape, lowering our staggering healthcare costs.  In the classroom, RS supports refocusing on math and the sciences.  Specifically he wants to introduce squirrels as classroom pets at all levels of education.  This helps the students to learn about nature while simultaneously quelling the overwhelming problem of squirrel unemployment.

Environment


Not surprisingly RS does qualify as an "environmentalist."  As an animal, animal concerns are close to his heart.  Fortunately though, this practice does not require any new policies that would otherwise hurt business or cause undue harm to nature.  Given that the economy will now be nut based it is in everyone's best interest to preserve as much of nature as possible.  If the goal is still to accumulate wealth than the best course of action is to plant trees rather than cut them down.  Also, this will go to stopping global warming and fixing the hole in the ozone layer, as the increase in number of trees will help to naturally process the amount of carbon emissions entering the atmosphere.  Once again this is a policy where everyone involved can be appeased.  The squirrel is truly a visionary.

Immigration


Immigration is a touchy subject with RS.  He has yet to give a clear stance on the topic and has been accused of using distracting tactics to avoid the topic.  Specifically when the question of immigration policy is brought up a dog is released into the room and proceeds to chase RS around the room until security handles the situation.  At this point the press conference is shut down for fear of another dog incident.  Being a squirrel has its drawbacks.

Wedge Issues

This is where I find RS to be a surprising candidate.  First off he is very pro second amendment.  I find this to be shocking given the fact that he is a rabid rodent but I support his right to believe whatever he wants.  He may take it a bit too far though is has been heard saying things like, "I believe every family has the right to a .50 caliber machine gun mounted on their front porch."  A little extreme but bold nonetheless.  I should note here that he does NOT support privately owned land mines, probably for the best.

He is pro-choice as well.  Admittedly an odd combination, but he makes it work.  Although again he has been caught saying counter-intuitive things.  For example, with regard to his stance on abortion, "It is the right of every mother to eat the smallest of her litter as long as she does so in the first three days of life." Personally I think he is addressing the squirrel community in this statement but that has not stopped those from the Whitman and Brown camps from really taking him to task over this statement, perhaps rightfully so.

This is my take on the California gubernatorial race tomorrow.  Please remember that when you are in the booth tomorrow to give the squirrels a chance in government by voting for Rabid Squirrel.

-theoreticalhero