I like many young adults randomly bumping into things until we find something to do for the rest of our lives often find myself losing stuff. I have maintained or years that this is not due to a lack of responsibility by myself or any of my peers. Instead, I contend that your stuff just doesn't want to be your stuff anymore so it finds someone else. I want to stress that this does involve your stuff actively deciding that you suck and leaving you forever. That favorite lunch box that you lost when you were 8 that you cried over for a week? You weren't irresponsible, it just doesn't love you anymore. The question that comes to my mind is how do the sunglasses get from 400 pound mother of eight in Wal-mart to the 300 pound mother of 6 in Target (please use the Targaaaaaa pronunciation, its classier). I maintain that is a combination of two phenomena: evolution and Toy Story.
We all know the story of evolution. We were once dinosaur monkeys and with the help of Jesus, time and Matt Damon riding a Unicorn we were able to grow into real people. I imagine that a similar process happens to inanimate objects, just with less time. Sunglasses slowly develop the ability to crawl, your wallet sprouts legs and runs around. This is also the reason that you should always keep your wallet in an enclosed space. They run very fast and think its hilarious when you have to cancel all of your credit cards because the bastard found a way into the fish tank and why would you look for it there. There is also some brain function involved. Your lunchbox had to decide that it would rather be Mary Jane Ihaveyourstuff's than yours. I cannot say with certainty the exact brain process because I cannot catch this stuff in the act let alone interview it after the fact. I am forced to assume it is drawn to shiny stuff. Carry a well polished quarter and you should be fine, most of the time.
As a child I was convinced that when I left the room or fell asleep that my toys would get up and play without me. This was complete bullshit because they were saving all the really fun stuff for when I was gone. I even went so far as trying to barge into my room unexpectedly in order to catch those devious bastards in the act. I was never successful but to this day I have my suspicions. Needless to say Toy Story went a long way to confirm my suspicions and all but empirically verified that your stuff does wake up when your not around. All kinds of wondrous adventures happen you are not at home. I'm sure that right now your TV is making sweet passionate love to your toaster who actually wishes that the blender would get off his ass and notice the fine crunchy bread she produces EVERY MORNING! There is nothing worse than kitchen appliance drama.
Life is hard for your stuff, they sprout legs, run towards all the shiny stuff that is scattered about your residence, dodge the bird that is trying to build a nest with your computer mouse, glasses and shower brush and then still have to deal with the abuse you put it through. There are two conclusions here, 1) Announce your presence in the kitchen at all times. Its never pretty to walk in on oven-refrigerator sex and 2) never believe your mother when she gets upset at you for losing stuff. If anything explain the effects of Matt Damon riding Unicorns.
-theoreticalhero
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Why the Zombie Apocalypse will Begin in Sacramento
If science and religion have taught me anything in recent years it is that the world will end shortly. A black-hole that is going to be created under Switzerland by some fancy new supercollider causing Jesus to return and rapture christians onto Noah's Ark which the Russians will proceed to nuke, or something like that. This, of course, is not taking into consideration popular culture which seems to believe that the Mayan 2012 curse will leave us ensnared in a zombie apocalypse. After careful consideration and much blank staring at maps I think I have discovered where the zombie apocalypse will begin... Sacramento, California.
I should state here that I do not choose Sacramento lightly. It is a place I am invested in. I went to high school in the area and I still have family there. I do not choose the city based on a vendetta due to their practices of forcing peanut butter onto and into small children. It's a sick and twisted practice and leaves children scarred and alone. (The evil of peanut butter is another post entirely.) No, I choose Sacramento because I believe zombies to be strategically brilliant despite their claims of being slow moving simple minded brain munchers. The zombie apocalypse has been extremely well planned.
Reason 1: Sacramento is a fair sized metropolitan area that no one really cares about. The cool places in California are the bay area i.e. San Francisco or down south in L.A. or San Diego. The people in these places do not really care about the goings on in Sacramento. It is viewed as, "That place where the government stuff happens." So the zombies can acquire a population of about 1 million or so with little or no notice while simultaneously taking over the state government and incorporating a pro-zombie political agenda. These laws will look something like, government subsidies for brain harvest. It will look like it could be zombies and it could also weird scientists. Zombies also support weird scientists.
Reason 2: Easy access to the rest of the country. In Sacramento two major interstates connect Interstate 5 running from Mexico to Canada and Interstate 80 running from the Pacific to the Atlantic. This allows Zombies to access many densely populated areas very easily, causing the quick downfall of civilization. This will be important because Zombies need to get to L.A. quickly in order to produce their Zombie propaganda with the television facilities of Souther California.
Reason 3: Access to food resources. While Sacramento may technically be a "city" those who know understand that it is a basically a hyper-developed farming town. Now, many assume that Zombies can only survive by eating brains, or at the very least other people. This is not true. They can eat pretty much any living matter but people are delicious and who can blame them for preferring things that taste good. Another little known zombie fact is that Zombieitis (the disease that makes you into a zombie can be spread by consuming an infected food. You can also get is from eating a Zombie but thats kinda creepy. Since Sacramento produces a lot of food, particularly tomatoes it is prime tool for developing Zombie sleeper cells throughout the country.
Beware of the Zombieitis my friends and praise, good fortune and love to Zombietron our future overlord.
-theoreticalhero
I should state here that I do not choose Sacramento lightly. It is a place I am invested in. I went to high school in the area and I still have family there. I do not choose the city based on a vendetta due to their practices of forcing peanut butter onto and into small children. It's a sick and twisted practice and leaves children scarred and alone. (The evil of peanut butter is another post entirely.) No, I choose Sacramento because I believe zombies to be strategically brilliant despite their claims of being slow moving simple minded brain munchers. The zombie apocalypse has been extremely well planned.
Reason 1: Sacramento is a fair sized metropolitan area that no one really cares about. The cool places in California are the bay area i.e. San Francisco or down south in L.A. or San Diego. The people in these places do not really care about the goings on in Sacramento. It is viewed as, "That place where the government stuff happens." So the zombies can acquire a population of about 1 million or so with little or no notice while simultaneously taking over the state government and incorporating a pro-zombie political agenda. These laws will look something like, government subsidies for brain harvest. It will look like it could be zombies and it could also weird scientists. Zombies also support weird scientists.
Reason 2: Easy access to the rest of the country. In Sacramento two major interstates connect Interstate 5 running from Mexico to Canada and Interstate 80 running from the Pacific to the Atlantic. This allows Zombies to access many densely populated areas very easily, causing the quick downfall of civilization. This will be important because Zombies need to get to L.A. quickly in order to produce their Zombie propaganda with the television facilities of Souther California.
Reason 3: Access to food resources. While Sacramento may technically be a "city" those who know understand that it is a basically a hyper-developed farming town. Now, many assume that Zombies can only survive by eating brains, or at the very least other people. This is not true. They can eat pretty much any living matter but people are delicious and who can blame them for preferring things that taste good. Another little known zombie fact is that Zombieitis (the disease that makes you into a zombie can be spread by consuming an infected food. You can also get is from eating a Zombie but thats kinda creepy. Since Sacramento produces a lot of food, particularly tomatoes it is prime tool for developing Zombie sleeper cells throughout the country.
Beware of the Zombieitis my friends and praise, good fortune and love to Zombietron our future overlord.
-theoreticalhero
Monday, November 15, 2010
Dinosaurs by State
While traveling the various spaces of the interwebs recently I discovered that the Triceratops is the state dinosaur of Wyoming. This is news to me for two reasons, 1) there are state dinosaurs and 2) how the hell did Wyoming get the Triceratops? Clearly there was some sort of bank error because Triceratops > Wyoming, its science. So I have compiled a complete list of the 50 coolest dinosaurs and matched them with their corresponding state by level of coolness of both the dinosaur and state. For the more archaic dinosaurs I will provide a brief description of why that combo.
Alabama: Truckosaurus Rex, I don't think I really need to explain this. He is also known as Robosaurus but that name is clearly inferior
Alaska: Giganotosaurus, while not actually the biggest dinosaur it does have the best name for a big dinosaur and since most of Alaska is unusable anyway they fit nicely.
Arizona: Lambeosaurus: A duck billed dinosaur from Mexico, if you want an upgrade you better be nicer to Mexicans or you get duck billed Mexican stuff forever.
Arkansas: Camarasaurus: I have no idea what to do for Arkansas so it gets this one. YAY this one!
California: Pterodactyl: Still an impossible word to spell but good ole CA deserves it. Swooping dinosaurs of death really fits this state well
Colorado: Maiasaura: I should note that I am not doing this in order and have entered the free association part of the Dinosaur state chart. Suffice it to say that this dinosaur goes here because I said so.
Connecticut: Oviraptor: This dinosaur looks like an egg, at least its head does. And empirical verification (I asked the first person I saw) confirms that Connecticut is in fact egg like.
Delaware: Brachylophosaurus: At a certain point all these herbivores start to look the same. I mean really dinosaurs be original with your look, add a necklace or a cool crown, maybe bejewel you toe nails, something. The state and dinosaur are pretty non de-script, so paired they must be.
Florida: Brachiosaurus: The tall one always reminded me of old people, don't really know why. Florida seemed fitting; munching on soft food in a retirement village. Possibly wearing a brightly colored shirt.
Georgia: Yinglong Downsi: This probably does not belong in Georgia but I am running out of dinosaurs and I have no strong feelings for Georgia. But, this one was found in a place called Oxfordian and that sounds really white. Therefore Georgia.
Hawai'i: Utahraptor: I know what your thinking the utahraptor should go with Utah, its in the name. Well you're wrong. Im not sure that Utah is a real place Im pretty sure its fictional and if you go there everything looks like a pop-up book. In any case, it goes to Hawaii for the very good reason that the dinosaur is cool and so is Hawaii. Utahraptor for the win.
Idaho: Eothyris: According to my sources the eothyris has multiple sets of canine teeth. Since Idaho looks like an upside down tooth I figure they should keep each other close, like lovers in the night.
Illinois: Psittacosaurus: I have found a number of dinosaurs that have furry looking tails. This one of them and needs to be celebrated in the great state of Illinois. GO BEARS!!
Iowa: Unaysaurus: Really old dinosaur bent on world domination. Its fossils have been found in Germany and Brazil. its a good thing they are extinct or they would take over one cabbage at a time.
Kansas: Spinosaurus: Not only a cool name but a really big meany. I couldn't think of a better place than Kansas
Kentucky: Paradapedon: This dinosaur is hideous. It looks like an in-bred cross between a hamster and salamander. Welcome to Kentucky, I'm sure you'll feel right at home.
Louisiana: Euhelopus: Another long necked dinosaur. Its original name was Helopus but some stupid bird took that name. Either way the original name meant "marsh foot" so it goes to the bayou.
Maine: Hongshanusaurs: Another hairy tailed dinosaur. It kind of looks like the tail has a Mohawk. In any case it more tail hair than most and should be able to survive the winters.
Maryland: Iguanadon: Could walk on two or four legs and has a great dinosaur name. Maryland is a happy home for such a creature.
Massachusetts: Brontosaurus: A childhood favorite of mine that would engage in epic battles with the T-Rex and often win. By the transitive property of dinosaurs, therefore Massachusetts > Texas. That is a mathematical proof.
Michigan: Carnotaurus: I cant think of a better state for this dinosaur. Its name suggests that it is a meat eating Taurus which we all know is made by Ford, although not necessarily in Michigan anymore. I think we need to face Carnotaurus against Truckosaurus Rex and see what happens
Minnesota: Diplodocus: Minnesota is a nice state. I would consider living there if they had a season other than winter. Either way it reminds me of a seesaw the same way the Diplodocus looks like a seesaw, very proportional. Well done to both of you.
Mississippi: Barney: Mississippi is kinda like the US's small sibling, just lagging behind the times. Until they learn to share and be nice they must be forced to endlessly watcht episodes of Barney and friends
Missouri: Stegosaurus: I have never known how to feel about Missouri, so much potential yet responsible for Bud Light. I feel a similar way about the Stegosaurus, and here the two meet and shall remain forever bonded.
Montana: Giraffatitan: I can hear dinosaur enthusiasts are saying, "but theoreticalhero the Giraffatitan is very similar to the Braciosaurus!!!" To this I say, names are different so therefore they are different things that is all the proof I need. By the way, this post has made me realize that dinosaurs have the best names. Why are all the really cool names reserved for stuff that died before time?
Nebraska: Ankylosaurus: This is the one with the really cool club on its tail. Basically its a reptilian whoopin' stick which is just awesome, not to mention armor!! Basically this could be a World of Warcraft villain with no problem. Nebraskans being country strong it seems a natural pairing
Nevada: Maraschus: This guys name reminds me of a meniscus and Nevada is kinda like America's knee, you can live without it but things are a lot more fun with it. They seem to match pretty well.
New Hampshire: Edmontonia: Back to dinosaur free association. Im sure there is a town in New Hampshire that sounds something like the name of this one so it goes here.
New Jersey: Pisanosaurus: Not much in known about this dinosaur, just as not much is known about New Jersey. Sure, we think new Jersey is a perfectly reasonable place with reasonable people doing reasonable things. But how can we be sure its not populated by sunflower-human hybrids with plans to make the world smell like the Jersey Turnpike??
New Mexico: Zuniceratops: This one goes to New Mexico because that is where is was discovered. Im all for giving credit where credit is due
New York: Velociraptor: Small yet vicious and pretty smart, New York is not the biggest state but it will still fuck you up so be carful. Besides they can open doors and know about reflections. I would love to have them eat my face off.
North Carolina: Allosaurus, basically a "smaller" T Rex but still significantly bad ass. It is also addicted to cigarettes so it will be at home in the tobacco fields of North Carolina.
North Dakota: Pachycephalosaur: This is the headbutting dinosaur. Apparently some "scientist" contends that these dinosaurs did not actually butt their heads. "Scientists" also say that Pluto is and is not a planet, clearly they know nothing. TO NORTH DAKOTA WITH YOU!!
Ohio: Hylaeosaurus: Because.
Oklahoma: Saurophagnax: It goes to Oklahoma because it was found there and with a name that translates to "lizard eating monster" who doesn't want one as a pet.
Oregon: Dilophosaurus: That spitting dinosaur that ate Newman in Jurassic Park. For some reason this one reminds me of Oregon, maybe because its raining in that scene, who knows...
Pennsylvania Herrerasaurus: One of the first dinosaurs as well as one of the first states. Not the biggest, meanest, or awesomest but still pretty cool nonetheless.
Rhode Island: Eoraptor: The smallest dinosaur on the list for the smallest state. The only thing cooler than dinosaur names is their translations. Full name: Eoraptor lunensis. Translation: "Dawn plunderer from the Valley of the Moon."
South Carolina: Demetrodon: Basically this one looks like a meat eating sailboat. You could also describe it as a land shark. In either case, South Carolina needs a win and I am happy to provide it in dinosaur form.
South Dakota: Carcharodontosaurus: I don't really know why South Dakota gets this dinosaur. Its a really big dinosaur and kinda reminds me of Mt Rushmore, for no particular reason. I have never been to Mt Rushmore nor have I met this dinosaur. I think that is enough to make them the same.
Tennessee: Megalosaurus: First dinosaur in the popular media and first to be displayed completely incorrectly. Bad ass though, took on stegosaurus, space must be made in Tennessee.
Texas: T-Rex: Both are big, and eat a lot of meat. Besides, if Texas was a person I would picture him with really tiny arms.
Utah: Madeuposaur: I'm pretty sure that Utah does not exist anyway so they don't get a real dinosaur. When I see proof that this is in fact a place I will reconsider this position.
Vermont: Plateosaurus: Whenever I think of Vermont I think to myself that is an herbivore with useless T-Rex arms. Luckily there is a dinosaur for that. Everyone I want you to meet Plateosaurus, Plateosaurus this is everyone....
Virginia: Triceratops: Taken from the bowels of Wyoming and given a proper place of respect in Virginia, rest well mighty triceratops.
Washington: Tyrannotitan: This is the greatest name for a dinosaur ever. Combining titan with tyrannosaurus, are you kidding me?!?! This is the kinda of name that makes angels cry tears of joy. Thank you dinosaur naming dude, thank you.
West Virginia: Protoceratops: Basically a smaller triceratops without the horns. Similar to the relationship between Virginia and West Virginia. WV being the smaller less pointy one of the two.
Wyoming: Leptoceratops: I have put a lot of thought about which dinosaur Wyoming should get. I thought about nothing because I do not appreciate Wyoming's brazen claim to the Triceratops. Instead it gets this one which is both found in Wyoming and looks like an impotent fish. The wrongs of the world have been righted, for now....
-theoreticalhero
P.S. It is a lot harder finding 50 coolish dinosaurs than I thought. You would think it would be a more popular topic. Shame on you internet for being anti-saur.
Alabama: Truckosaurus Rex, I don't think I really need to explain this. He is also known as Robosaurus but that name is clearly inferior
Alaska: Giganotosaurus, while not actually the biggest dinosaur it does have the best name for a big dinosaur and since most of Alaska is unusable anyway they fit nicely.
Arizona: Lambeosaurus: A duck billed dinosaur from Mexico, if you want an upgrade you better be nicer to Mexicans or you get duck billed Mexican stuff forever.
Arkansas: Camarasaurus: I have no idea what to do for Arkansas so it gets this one. YAY this one!
California: Pterodactyl: Still an impossible word to spell but good ole CA deserves it. Swooping dinosaurs of death really fits this state well
Colorado: Maiasaura: I should note that I am not doing this in order and have entered the free association part of the Dinosaur state chart. Suffice it to say that this dinosaur goes here because I said so.
Connecticut: Oviraptor: This dinosaur looks like an egg, at least its head does. And empirical verification (I asked the first person I saw) confirms that Connecticut is in fact egg like.
Delaware: Brachylophosaurus: At a certain point all these herbivores start to look the same. I mean really dinosaurs be original with your look, add a necklace or a cool crown, maybe bejewel you toe nails, something. The state and dinosaur are pretty non de-script, so paired they must be.
Florida: Brachiosaurus: The tall one always reminded me of old people, don't really know why. Florida seemed fitting; munching on soft food in a retirement village. Possibly wearing a brightly colored shirt.
Georgia: Yinglong Downsi: This probably does not belong in Georgia but I am running out of dinosaurs and I have no strong feelings for Georgia. But, this one was found in a place called Oxfordian and that sounds really white. Therefore Georgia.
Hawai'i: Utahraptor: I know what your thinking the utahraptor should go with Utah, its in the name. Well you're wrong. Im not sure that Utah is a real place Im pretty sure its fictional and if you go there everything looks like a pop-up book. In any case, it goes to Hawaii for the very good reason that the dinosaur is cool and so is Hawaii. Utahraptor for the win.
Idaho: Eothyris: According to my sources the eothyris has multiple sets of canine teeth. Since Idaho looks like an upside down tooth I figure they should keep each other close, like lovers in the night.
Illinois: Psittacosaurus: I have found a number of dinosaurs that have furry looking tails. This one of them and needs to be celebrated in the great state of Illinois. GO BEARS!!
Iowa: Unaysaurus: Really old dinosaur bent on world domination. Its fossils have been found in Germany and Brazil. its a good thing they are extinct or they would take over one cabbage at a time.
Kansas: Spinosaurus: Not only a cool name but a really big meany. I couldn't think of a better place than Kansas
Kentucky: Paradapedon: This dinosaur is hideous. It looks like an in-bred cross between a hamster and salamander. Welcome to Kentucky, I'm sure you'll feel right at home.
Louisiana: Euhelopus: Another long necked dinosaur. Its original name was Helopus but some stupid bird took that name. Either way the original name meant "marsh foot" so it goes to the bayou.
Maine: Hongshanusaurs: Another hairy tailed dinosaur. It kind of looks like the tail has a Mohawk. In any case it more tail hair than most and should be able to survive the winters.
Maryland: Iguanadon: Could walk on two or four legs and has a great dinosaur name. Maryland is a happy home for such a creature.
Massachusetts: Brontosaurus: A childhood favorite of mine that would engage in epic battles with the T-Rex and often win. By the transitive property of dinosaurs, therefore Massachusetts > Texas. That is a mathematical proof.
Michigan: Carnotaurus: I cant think of a better state for this dinosaur. Its name suggests that it is a meat eating Taurus which we all know is made by Ford, although not necessarily in Michigan anymore. I think we need to face Carnotaurus against Truckosaurus Rex and see what happens
Minnesota: Diplodocus: Minnesota is a nice state. I would consider living there if they had a season other than winter. Either way it reminds me of a seesaw the same way the Diplodocus looks like a seesaw, very proportional. Well done to both of you.
Mississippi: Barney: Mississippi is kinda like the US's small sibling, just lagging behind the times. Until they learn to share and be nice they must be forced to endlessly watcht episodes of Barney and friends
Missouri: Stegosaurus: I have never known how to feel about Missouri, so much potential yet responsible for Bud Light. I feel a similar way about the Stegosaurus, and here the two meet and shall remain forever bonded.
Montana: Giraffatitan: I can hear dinosaur enthusiasts are saying, "but theoreticalhero the Giraffatitan is very similar to the Braciosaurus!!!" To this I say, names are different so therefore they are different things that is all the proof I need. By the way, this post has made me realize that dinosaurs have the best names. Why are all the really cool names reserved for stuff that died before time?
Nebraska: Ankylosaurus: This is the one with the really cool club on its tail. Basically its a reptilian whoopin' stick which is just awesome, not to mention armor!! Basically this could be a World of Warcraft villain with no problem. Nebraskans being country strong it seems a natural pairing
Nevada: Maraschus: This guys name reminds me of a meniscus and Nevada is kinda like America's knee, you can live without it but things are a lot more fun with it. They seem to match pretty well.
New Hampshire: Edmontonia: Back to dinosaur free association. Im sure there is a town in New Hampshire that sounds something like the name of this one so it goes here.
New Jersey: Pisanosaurus: Not much in known about this dinosaur, just as not much is known about New Jersey. Sure, we think new Jersey is a perfectly reasonable place with reasonable people doing reasonable things. But how can we be sure its not populated by sunflower-human hybrids with plans to make the world smell like the Jersey Turnpike??
New Mexico: Zuniceratops: This one goes to New Mexico because that is where is was discovered. Im all for giving credit where credit is due
New York: Velociraptor: Small yet vicious and pretty smart, New York is not the biggest state but it will still fuck you up so be carful. Besides they can open doors and know about reflections. I would love to have them eat my face off.
North Carolina: Allosaurus, basically a "smaller" T Rex but still significantly bad ass. It is also addicted to cigarettes so it will be at home in the tobacco fields of North Carolina.
North Dakota: Pachycephalosaur: This is the headbutting dinosaur. Apparently some "scientist" contends that these dinosaurs did not actually butt their heads. "Scientists" also say that Pluto is and is not a planet, clearly they know nothing. TO NORTH DAKOTA WITH YOU!!
Ohio: Hylaeosaurus: Because.
Oklahoma: Saurophagnax: It goes to Oklahoma because it was found there and with a name that translates to "lizard eating monster" who doesn't want one as a pet.
Oregon: Dilophosaurus: That spitting dinosaur that ate Newman in Jurassic Park. For some reason this one reminds me of Oregon, maybe because its raining in that scene, who knows...
Pennsylvania Herrerasaurus: One of the first dinosaurs as well as one of the first states. Not the biggest, meanest, or awesomest but still pretty cool nonetheless.
Rhode Island: Eoraptor: The smallest dinosaur on the list for the smallest state. The only thing cooler than dinosaur names is their translations. Full name: Eoraptor lunensis. Translation: "Dawn plunderer from the Valley of the Moon."
South Carolina: Demetrodon: Basically this one looks like a meat eating sailboat. You could also describe it as a land shark. In either case, South Carolina needs a win and I am happy to provide it in dinosaur form.
South Dakota: Carcharodontosaurus: I don't really know why South Dakota gets this dinosaur. Its a really big dinosaur and kinda reminds me of Mt Rushmore, for no particular reason. I have never been to Mt Rushmore nor have I met this dinosaur. I think that is enough to make them the same.
Tennessee: Megalosaurus: First dinosaur in the popular media and first to be displayed completely incorrectly. Bad ass though, took on stegosaurus, space must be made in Tennessee.
Texas: T-Rex: Both are big, and eat a lot of meat. Besides, if Texas was a person I would picture him with really tiny arms.
Utah: Madeuposaur: I'm pretty sure that Utah does not exist anyway so they don't get a real dinosaur. When I see proof that this is in fact a place I will reconsider this position.
Vermont: Plateosaurus: Whenever I think of Vermont I think to myself that is an herbivore with useless T-Rex arms. Luckily there is a dinosaur for that. Everyone I want you to meet Plateosaurus, Plateosaurus this is everyone....
Virginia: Triceratops: Taken from the bowels of Wyoming and given a proper place of respect in Virginia, rest well mighty triceratops.
Washington: Tyrannotitan: This is the greatest name for a dinosaur ever. Combining titan with tyrannosaurus, are you kidding me?!?! This is the kinda of name that makes angels cry tears of joy. Thank you dinosaur naming dude, thank you.
West Virginia: Protoceratops: Basically a smaller triceratops without the horns. Similar to the relationship between Virginia and West Virginia. WV being the smaller less pointy one of the two.
Wyoming: Leptoceratops: I have put a lot of thought about which dinosaur Wyoming should get. I thought about nothing because I do not appreciate Wyoming's brazen claim to the Triceratops. Instead it gets this one which is both found in Wyoming and looks like an impotent fish. The wrongs of the world have been righted, for now....
-theoreticalhero
P.S. It is a lot harder finding 50 coolish dinosaurs than I thought. You would think it would be a more popular topic. Shame on you internet for being anti-saur.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Steve Jobs, Pterodactyl feud
I mentioned in a previous post that Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computers has a long standing feud with pterodactyls. I realize now that this is not common knowledge and I should explain the beginnings of and current state of affairs. I will say now that this is a long, dramatic, heart wrenching story filled with lust broken promises and at least 4 secret families, not to mention a labor dispute.
I should begin by saying that Steve Jobs is actually 24 million years old and not actually a "person" in the biological sense of the word. Rather, he is a alien-robot hybrid capable of making us buy basically the same product over and over and over and over allowing him to slowly accumulate everything we love. At this point he will then sell us back said loved things and incorporate a slave based system in which he will be overlord. Mr Jobs is the creation of the 72nd meeting of the intergalactic political-get-along-happy-fun time. A meeting that takes place so that aliens and robots can get together and discuss new cool hybrid animals. Jobs was created because the meeting needed a proctor and both aliens and robots are control freaks, so the cyborg alien was created. He used to look like a dinosaur but as the dominant species changes so does Steve. I should say that this meeting takes place every 10 million years, so don't worry about getting tickets just yet.
Back in the day, Jobs used to run with the pterodactyls. I can't really blame him for this after all they are dinosaurs and can fly. I'm pretty sure that qualifies as two super powers. As with most alien robot hybrids who are learning about the world around them and their prime directive, he became emotionally attached to the species of pterodactyl. The dinosaur-bird-superheroes welcomed Jobs with open arms and he became part of the ream. (I don't actually know what a group of pterodactyls is called so I am going with ream. I do welcome discussions on the proper term.) At this point Jobs did not have any plans on world domination, he mostly just enjoyed his time flying about the sky and eating stuff.
I should say here that pterodactyls are actually extremely intelligent, they are much like dolphins in the sense that pterodactyls would much rather fly about the sky terrorizing a T-Rex than worry about building silly things like buildings or cell phones. They determined early on that the cell phone only leads to to cell phone bill and who really wants to deal with that. So began the feud between the two. Jobs wanted to build shit and pterodactyls wanted to watch the T-Rex flail around with tiny arms.
The times were changing. The pterodactyls knew this and thought it best to work with Jobs rather than fight change and end up extinct, like the rest of their dinosaur brethren. Jobs soon began starting companies and needed a distribution system. Fortunately for both pterodactyls and Jobs the dinosaur birds could carry heavy loads great distances. And so, once again, the happy couple was back at it, working in tandem to create a better world.
Then......tragedy. For an inexplicable reason the world pterodactyl population was plummeting, there was a shortage of eggs. Months of intensive study by all top dactylologists yielded no results. There was simply no reason for the pandemic. On October 3rd 1983, USA Today broke the story (coincidently this was the last piece of journalism produced by this paper) many top businessmen had been secretly purchasing and eating pterodactyl eggs. They taste like bacon wrapped unicorn. And, to add insult to injury, Jobs was the ring leader behind this craze. He was using the money to try and help his computer business in trying times.
Pterodactyls everywhere were furious and began swarming Jobs' house. (He moved out of the hut years ago.) He was prepared. Having seen this coming from the start of his egg eating escapades he had the latest in pterodactyl defenses installed. It was a slaughter and further destroyed the pterodactyl population. Today, there are almost no pterodactyls left. Most are breed in captivity and many of those still cant survive long. Number are dwindling and the road ahead is meek. Clearly, Steve Jobs is to blame.
I'm sure many of you are hearing about this for the first time. Thinking it is nothing but jokes and conjecture. Fiction for any entertaining post than some will find entertaining but I assure you it is not. With the popularity of Apple Computers now it is no wonder that people have either forgot or covered up the actions of one alien-robot hybrid. So remember, every time you buy apple products you are supporting dactylocide.
-theoreticalhero
I should begin by saying that Steve Jobs is actually 24 million years old and not actually a "person" in the biological sense of the word. Rather, he is a alien-robot hybrid capable of making us buy basically the same product over and over and over and over allowing him to slowly accumulate everything we love. At this point he will then sell us back said loved things and incorporate a slave based system in which he will be overlord. Mr Jobs is the creation of the 72nd meeting of the intergalactic political-get-along-happy-fun time. A meeting that takes place so that aliens and robots can get together and discuss new cool hybrid animals. Jobs was created because the meeting needed a proctor and both aliens and robots are control freaks, so the cyborg alien was created. He used to look like a dinosaur but as the dominant species changes so does Steve. I should say that this meeting takes place every 10 million years, so don't worry about getting tickets just yet.
Back in the day, Jobs used to run with the pterodactyls. I can't really blame him for this after all they are dinosaurs and can fly. I'm pretty sure that qualifies as two super powers. As with most alien robot hybrids who are learning about the world around them and their prime directive, he became emotionally attached to the species of pterodactyl. The dinosaur-bird-superheroes welcomed Jobs with open arms and he became part of the ream. (I don't actually know what a group of pterodactyls is called so I am going with ream. I do welcome discussions on the proper term.) At this point Jobs did not have any plans on world domination, he mostly just enjoyed his time flying about the sky and eating stuff.
I should say here that pterodactyls are actually extremely intelligent, they are much like dolphins in the sense that pterodactyls would much rather fly about the sky terrorizing a T-Rex than worry about building silly things like buildings or cell phones. They determined early on that the cell phone only leads to to cell phone bill and who really wants to deal with that. So began the feud between the two. Jobs wanted to build shit and pterodactyls wanted to watch the T-Rex flail around with tiny arms.
The times were changing. The pterodactyls knew this and thought it best to work with Jobs rather than fight change and end up extinct, like the rest of their dinosaur brethren. Jobs soon began starting companies and needed a distribution system. Fortunately for both pterodactyls and Jobs the dinosaur birds could carry heavy loads great distances. And so, once again, the happy couple was back at it, working in tandem to create a better world.
Then......tragedy. For an inexplicable reason the world pterodactyl population was plummeting, there was a shortage of eggs. Months of intensive study by all top dactylologists yielded no results. There was simply no reason for the pandemic. On October 3rd 1983, USA Today broke the story (coincidently this was the last piece of journalism produced by this paper) many top businessmen had been secretly purchasing and eating pterodactyl eggs. They taste like bacon wrapped unicorn. And, to add insult to injury, Jobs was the ring leader behind this craze. He was using the money to try and help his computer business in trying times.
Pterodactyls everywhere were furious and began swarming Jobs' house. (He moved out of the hut years ago.) He was prepared. Having seen this coming from the start of his egg eating escapades he had the latest in pterodactyl defenses installed. It was a slaughter and further destroyed the pterodactyl population. Today, there are almost no pterodactyls left. Most are breed in captivity and many of those still cant survive long. Number are dwindling and the road ahead is meek. Clearly, Steve Jobs is to blame.
I'm sure many of you are hearing about this for the first time. Thinking it is nothing but jokes and conjecture. Fiction for any entertaining post than some will find entertaining but I assure you it is not. With the popularity of Apple Computers now it is no wonder that people have either forgot or covered up the actions of one alien-robot hybrid. So remember, every time you buy apple products you are supporting dactylocide.
-theoreticalhero
Monday, November 1, 2010
Rabid Squirrel for Governor of California
This, generally speaking is not a political blog. I do not intend to go on and on about the misgivings of the political institution. However, this election season I believe that one candidate has met my requirements to advertise their candidacy on this blog, his name: Rabid Squirrel. I will use the remainder of this blog to lay out his plan for California and various policies on domestic and foreign affairs. Many of his policies seem to be counter-intuitive, which is why I support him with such vigor. Please consider this my effort to begin a write-in vote campaign on his behalf
Economic Policy
As a squirrel, Rabid Squirrel (RS) supports a nut based economy. It is clear now that the dollar is weak and RS believes that using nuts, instead of dollars, will help the underrepresented population of squirrels thrive in a harsh world. Generally speaking RS does not pander to his squirrel base like this, but he believes that leaving them the economic dark is not something he can stand for. On a personal note i do not think he realizes that squirrels eat those nuts thereby negating some of their economic prowess. Still though, a bold stance nonetheless. RS is so comitted to this practice that he is only accepting campisgn donations in the form of nuts. He plans to pay for his entire campaign with nothing but nuts and nut products. If you plan on contributing Almonds and Walnuts are seen as the most valuable.
Balancing the Budget
We all agree that balancing the budget in Sacramento is one of the gravest concerns facing the state. Bickering within the state legislature and the governor refusing to sign for reasons of political grandstanding have created a situation that only new thinkers can fix. The position of Rabid Squirrel is such that humans have done an excellent job ruining everything and that it is time for another species to attempt global domination. RS will bring a new voice to balancing the budget and if the legislature decides to drag their feet, RS can do something other governors cannot, threaten to bite them and give them rabies as well. Trust me this is not an idle threat. Most of RS's campaign team lives in constant fear of being attacked for a litany of offenses, everything from insubordination to failing to properly categorize any donation of nuts that come in.
Education
We all agree that education is important to our society. RS is no different. He does have a few new ideas on how to improve the institution of education. First, working also to decrease childhood obesity he plans to institute a tree climbing mandate in all public schools. Tree climbing will become an important part of all physical education classes. He hopes that in learning to climb trees students will accumulate more wealth (by finding the nuts still in the trees) and get in better shape, lowering our staggering healthcare costs. In the classroom, RS supports refocusing on math and the sciences. Specifically he wants to introduce squirrels as classroom pets at all levels of education. This helps the students to learn about nature while simultaneously quelling the overwhelming problem of squirrel unemployment.
Environment
Not surprisingly RS does qualify as an "environmentalist." As an animal, animal concerns are close to his heart. Fortunately though, this practice does not require any new policies that would otherwise hurt business or cause undue harm to nature. Given that the economy will now be nut based it is in everyone's best interest to preserve as much of nature as possible. If the goal is still to accumulate wealth than the best course of action is to plant trees rather than cut them down. Also, this will go to stopping global warming and fixing the hole in the ozone layer, as the increase in number of trees will help to naturally process the amount of carbon emissions entering the atmosphere. Once again this is a policy where everyone involved can be appeased. The squirrel is truly a visionary.
Immigration
Immigration is a touchy subject with RS. He has yet to give a clear stance on the topic and has been accused of using distracting tactics to avoid the topic. Specifically when the question of immigration policy is brought up a dog is released into the room and proceeds to chase RS around the room until security handles the situation. At this point the press conference is shut down for fear of another dog incident. Being a squirrel has its drawbacks.
Wedge Issues
This is where I find RS to be a surprising candidate. First off he is very pro second amendment. I find this to be shocking given the fact that he is a rabid rodent but I support his right to believe whatever he wants. He may take it a bit too far though is has been heard saying things like, "I believe every family has the right to a .50 caliber machine gun mounted on their front porch." A little extreme but bold nonetheless. I should note here that he does NOT support privately owned land mines, probably for the best.
He is pro-choice as well. Admittedly an odd combination, but he makes it work. Although again he has been caught saying counter-intuitive things. For example, with regard to his stance on abortion, "It is the right of every mother to eat the smallest of her litter as long as she does so in the first three days of life." Personally I think he is addressing the squirrel community in this statement but that has not stopped those from the Whitman and Brown camps from really taking him to task over this statement, perhaps rightfully so.
This is my take on the California gubernatorial race tomorrow. Please remember that when you are in the booth tomorrow to give the squirrels a chance in government by voting for Rabid Squirrel.
-theoreticalhero
Economic Policy
As a squirrel, Rabid Squirrel (RS) supports a nut based economy. It is clear now that the dollar is weak and RS believes that using nuts, instead of dollars, will help the underrepresented population of squirrels thrive in a harsh world. Generally speaking RS does not pander to his squirrel base like this, but he believes that leaving them the economic dark is not something he can stand for. On a personal note i do not think he realizes that squirrels eat those nuts thereby negating some of their economic prowess. Still though, a bold stance nonetheless. RS is so comitted to this practice that he is only accepting campisgn donations in the form of nuts. He plans to pay for his entire campaign with nothing but nuts and nut products. If you plan on contributing Almonds and Walnuts are seen as the most valuable.
Balancing the Budget
We all agree that balancing the budget in Sacramento is one of the gravest concerns facing the state. Bickering within the state legislature and the governor refusing to sign for reasons of political grandstanding have created a situation that only new thinkers can fix. The position of Rabid Squirrel is such that humans have done an excellent job ruining everything and that it is time for another species to attempt global domination. RS will bring a new voice to balancing the budget and if the legislature decides to drag their feet, RS can do something other governors cannot, threaten to bite them and give them rabies as well. Trust me this is not an idle threat. Most of RS's campaign team lives in constant fear of being attacked for a litany of offenses, everything from insubordination to failing to properly categorize any donation of nuts that come in.
Education
We all agree that education is important to our society. RS is no different. He does have a few new ideas on how to improve the institution of education. First, working also to decrease childhood obesity he plans to institute a tree climbing mandate in all public schools. Tree climbing will become an important part of all physical education classes. He hopes that in learning to climb trees students will accumulate more wealth (by finding the nuts still in the trees) and get in better shape, lowering our staggering healthcare costs. In the classroom, RS supports refocusing on math and the sciences. Specifically he wants to introduce squirrels as classroom pets at all levels of education. This helps the students to learn about nature while simultaneously quelling the overwhelming problem of squirrel unemployment.
Environment
Not surprisingly RS does qualify as an "environmentalist." As an animal, animal concerns are close to his heart. Fortunately though, this practice does not require any new policies that would otherwise hurt business or cause undue harm to nature. Given that the economy will now be nut based it is in everyone's best interest to preserve as much of nature as possible. If the goal is still to accumulate wealth than the best course of action is to plant trees rather than cut them down. Also, this will go to stopping global warming and fixing the hole in the ozone layer, as the increase in number of trees will help to naturally process the amount of carbon emissions entering the atmosphere. Once again this is a policy where everyone involved can be appeased. The squirrel is truly a visionary.
Immigration
Immigration is a touchy subject with RS. He has yet to give a clear stance on the topic and has been accused of using distracting tactics to avoid the topic. Specifically when the question of immigration policy is brought up a dog is released into the room and proceeds to chase RS around the room until security handles the situation. At this point the press conference is shut down for fear of another dog incident. Being a squirrel has its drawbacks.
Wedge Issues
This is where I find RS to be a surprising candidate. First off he is very pro second amendment. I find this to be shocking given the fact that he is a rabid rodent but I support his right to believe whatever he wants. He may take it a bit too far though is has been heard saying things like, "I believe every family has the right to a .50 caliber machine gun mounted on their front porch." A little extreme but bold nonetheless. I should note here that he does NOT support privately owned land mines, probably for the best.
He is pro-choice as well. Admittedly an odd combination, but he makes it work. Although again he has been caught saying counter-intuitive things. For example, with regard to his stance on abortion, "It is the right of every mother to eat the smallest of her litter as long as she does so in the first three days of life." Personally I think he is addressing the squirrel community in this statement but that has not stopped those from the Whitman and Brown camps from really taking him to task over this statement, perhaps rightfully so.
This is my take on the California gubernatorial race tomorrow. Please remember that when you are in the booth tomorrow to give the squirrels a chance in government by voting for Rabid Squirrel.
-theoreticalhero
Friday, October 29, 2010
TLC will be the downfall of all civilization (not like I am trying to be dramatic)
Reality shows have long been popular now, I have long hated them with a fiery passion similar to the way pterodactyls hate Steve Jobs. This is a well documented fact, Steve Jobs is the primary reason for pterodactyls being so close to extinction. Lately though, the geniuses that run the various cable television stations have taken this particular experiment too far. The most recent and egregious show is called "Mall Cops of America." This is an actual show and as a result I have lost faith both in television and in culture. This show, as expected, follows the trials and tribulations of being a mall cop in American. Apparently the creators of this show do not realize that the recent movies regarding the profession of Mall Copping (Paul Blart: Mall Cop, Observe and Report) are poking fun at them rather than romanticizing them. While I appreciate middle aged men telling pre-teens to stop running or preventing old men from peeing in the fountain as much as the next this hardly makes for compelling television.
This is not the only show to have a ridiculous reality subject. There are a number of shows that offer similar topics, there is one on repo men, another on real estate agents. All told in 2009-2010 TLC had 25 distinct reality shows, 12 of which are returning and 13 new programming efforts. What happened to shows about tigers mauling things. There are plenty of tiger maulings to be videotaped out there and I call on anyone with a video camera to capture them and create a show out of it. If you include lion maulings it could be the most epic show of all time. If it is a show about bad ass cats then we can at least say that we are "learning" something. The Discovery Channel has done a great job at convincing us that watching amounts to learning. With two of their most popular shows being Dirty Jobs and Mythbusters I am not sure just how much learning has gone on but I still change the channel with a feeling that there are worse ways to spend my time. Considering TLC stands for "The Learning Channel" I think I should take away more than the perils of mall copdom.
TLC is not the only culprit, although their obscene number of wedding shows does not speak in their favor. CBS was the first to bring reality shows mainstream with long running programs like Survivor, Big Brother and the Amazing Race but I do believe the bar has been raised. Admittedly all reality shows are populated with people that take themselves entirely too seriously and tend to see themselves as the center of the universe. This, I am sure, makes for entertaining television but when these personalities are presented as the only option the show becomes less reality and more an outpatient insane asylum.
In short, more shows about cool things that eat other cool things (possibly exploring the feud between Steve Jobs and pterodactyls, the public needs to know). TLC is still the primary culprit in this case and deserves punishment, perhaps a nice smiting, maybe a fire or even being forced to watch nothing but their own programming on a loop for all of eternity. This final punishment is admittedly cruel but a man can only take so much mallcopping before he has to stand up to his oppressor.
-theoreticalhero
TLC is not the only culprit, although their obscene number of wedding shows does not speak in their favor. CBS was the first to bring reality shows mainstream with long running programs like Survivor, Big Brother and the Amazing Race but I do believe the bar has been raised. Admittedly all reality shows are populated with people that take themselves entirely too seriously and tend to see themselves as the center of the universe. This, I am sure, makes for entertaining television but when these personalities are presented as the only option the show becomes less reality and more an outpatient insane asylum.
In short, more shows about cool things that eat other cool things (possibly exploring the feud between Steve Jobs and pterodactyls, the public needs to know). TLC is still the primary culprit in this case and deserves punishment, perhaps a nice smiting, maybe a fire or even being forced to watch nothing but their own programming on a loop for all of eternity. This final punishment is admittedly cruel but a man can only take so much mallcopping before he has to stand up to his oppressor.
-theoreticalhero
Monday, October 18, 2010
The Importance of the Bromance for emotionally balanced heterosexual men
This weekend amounted to what was much needed bromancing. I did not realize that I was lacking in this department but as both of my partners live at least 800 miles away it is hard to get my fix. I would like to mention here that yes I do have more than one bromance, yes that amounts to cheating and no I'm not about to stop.
For a long time I was weary of relationships with other men. There were some seminal relationships in my life that had gone arye (that is actually how that word is spelled I checked) so I assumed that it was best to avoid friendships with men. I have a number of female friends, in part because sociology has a high number of women in it and in part because I have a calming presence which they find comforting (or so I'm told). These relationships are all well in good but something was always lacking.
Enter the bromance, I know this new found word has yielded quite a number of jokes and a movie (not great but not terrible) but I think it downplays the importance of spending time with the guys. I understand that friendships, even the life long ones, take a back seat to the most important people in one's life wives, children, parents etc but that in no way diminishes their importance. With that said there is something different about the bromance. Each of the relationships I mentioned has a different dynamic than the man-to-man friendship; it offers a feeling of brotherhood that is not matched in other relationships. In my case, the kinship I have with my actual brothers cannot be matched by the bromance. This is not to say I am not close with my brothers, I am, but as I am the oldest by six years and ten years I am more of a mentor at this point in my life.
Now for the purpose of this whole diatribe. Do not interrupt the bromance. There are many responsibilities that come before time spent with close friends and that time is treasured accordingly. Personally such interactions leave me in a place of balance that is hard to reproduce in other ways.
In sum, bromance = awesome and be nice to it. That is a scientific fact and disputing it will result in consequences so dire they would force Dick Cheney to give up shooting his friends in the face. We all know how much he likes to do that so beware.
Also, I have sold out already. I have gone through the steps to monetize my blog, as any good capitalist pig will do so there will be advertisements appearing shortly. Feel free to regale me with insults and general name calling.
-theoreticalhero
For a long time I was weary of relationships with other men. There were some seminal relationships in my life that had gone arye (that is actually how that word is spelled I checked) so I assumed that it was best to avoid friendships with men. I have a number of female friends, in part because sociology has a high number of women in it and in part because I have a calming presence which they find comforting (or so I'm told). These relationships are all well in good but something was always lacking.
Enter the bromance, I know this new found word has yielded quite a number of jokes and a movie (not great but not terrible) but I think it downplays the importance of spending time with the guys. I understand that friendships, even the life long ones, take a back seat to the most important people in one's life wives, children, parents etc but that in no way diminishes their importance. With that said there is something different about the bromance. Each of the relationships I mentioned has a different dynamic than the man-to-man friendship; it offers a feeling of brotherhood that is not matched in other relationships. In my case, the kinship I have with my actual brothers cannot be matched by the bromance. This is not to say I am not close with my brothers, I am, but as I am the oldest by six years and ten years I am more of a mentor at this point in my life.
Now for the purpose of this whole diatribe. Do not interrupt the bromance. There are many responsibilities that come before time spent with close friends and that time is treasured accordingly. Personally such interactions leave me in a place of balance that is hard to reproduce in other ways.
In sum, bromance = awesome and be nice to it. That is a scientific fact and disputing it will result in consequences so dire they would force Dick Cheney to give up shooting his friends in the face. We all know how much he likes to do that so beware.
Also, I have sold out already. I have gone through the steps to monetize my blog, as any good capitalist pig will do so there will be advertisements appearing shortly. Feel free to regale me with insults and general name calling.
-theoreticalhero
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