Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Yes mom, sometimes things do sprout legs and walk away

I like many young adults randomly bumping into things until we find something to do for the rest of our lives often find myself losing stuff.  I have maintained or years that this is not due to a lack of responsibility by myself or any of my peers.  Instead, I contend that your stuff just doesn't want to be your stuff anymore so it finds someone else.  I want to stress that this does involve your stuff actively deciding that you suck and leaving you forever.  That favorite lunch box that you lost when you were 8 that you cried over for a week? You weren't irresponsible, it just doesn't love you anymore.  The question that comes to my mind is how do the sunglasses get from 400 pound mother of eight in Wal-mart to the 300 pound mother of 6 in Target (please use the Targaaaaaa pronunciation, its classier).  I maintain that is a combination of two phenomena: evolution and Toy Story.

We all know the story of evolution.  We were once dinosaur monkeys and with the help of Jesus, time and Matt Damon riding a Unicorn we were able to grow into real people.  I imagine that a similar process happens to inanimate objects, just with less time.  Sunglasses slowly develop the ability to crawl, your wallet sprouts legs and runs around.  This is also the reason that you should always keep your wallet in an enclosed space.  They run very fast and think its hilarious when you have to cancel all of your credit cards because the bastard found a way into the fish tank and why would you look for it there.  There is also some brain function involved.  Your lunchbox had to decide that it would rather be Mary Jane Ihaveyourstuff's than yours.  I cannot say with certainty the exact brain process because I cannot catch this stuff in the act let alone interview it after the fact.  I am forced to assume it is drawn to shiny stuff.  Carry a well polished quarter and you should be fine, most of the time.

As a child I was convinced that when I left the room or fell asleep that my toys would get up and play without me.  This was complete bullshit because they were saving all the really fun stuff for when I was gone.  I even went so far as trying to barge into my room unexpectedly in order to catch those devious bastards in the act.  I was never successful but to this day I have my suspicions.  Needless to say Toy Story went a long way to confirm my suspicions and all but empirically verified that your stuff does wake up when your not around.  All kinds of wondrous adventures happen you are not at home.  I'm sure that right now your TV is making sweet passionate love to your toaster who actually wishes that the blender would get off his ass and notice the fine crunchy bread she produces EVERY MORNING! There is nothing worse than kitchen appliance drama.

Life is hard for your stuff, they sprout legs, run towards all the shiny stuff that is scattered about your residence, dodge the bird that is trying to build a nest with your computer mouse, glasses and shower brush  and then still have to deal with the abuse you put it through.   There are two conclusions here, 1) Announce your presence in the kitchen at all times.  Its never pretty to walk in on oven-refrigerator sex and 2) never believe your mother when she gets upset at you for losing stuff.  If anything explain the effects of Matt Damon riding Unicorns.

-theoreticalhero

1 comment:

  1. I always fucking knew it. Han Solo did take off with my goddamn Batman. Those two were at it all the time like gay action figures always are...

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