Steve Jobs, Pterodactyl feud

I mentioned in a previous post that Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computers has a long standing feud with pterodactyls.  I realize now that this is not common knowledge and I should explain the beginnings of and current state of affairs.  I will say now that this is a long, dramatic, heart wrenching story filled with lust broken promises and at least 4 secret families, not to mention a labor dispute.

I should begin by saying that Steve Jobs is actually 24 million years old and not actually a "person" in the biological sense of the word.  Rather, he is a alien-robot hybrid capable of making us buy basically the same product over and over and over and over allowing him to slowly accumulate everything we love.  At this point he will then sell us back said loved things and incorporate a slave based system in which he will be overlord.  Mr Jobs is the creation of the 72nd meeting of the intergalactic political-get-along-happy-fun time.  A meeting that takes place so that aliens and robots can get together and discuss new cool hybrid animals.  Jobs was created because the meeting needed a proctor and both aliens and robots are control freaks, so the cyborg alien was created.  He used to look like a dinosaur but as the dominant species changes so does Steve.  I should say that this meeting takes place every 10 million years, so don't worry about getting tickets just yet.

Back in the day, Jobs used to run with the pterodactyls.  I can't really blame him for this after all they are dinosaurs and can fly.  I'm pretty sure that qualifies as two super powers.  As with most alien robot hybrids who are learning about the world around them and their prime directive, he became emotionally attached to the species of pterodactyl.  The dinosaur-bird-superheroes welcomed Jobs with open arms and he became part of the ream. (I don't actually know what a group of pterodactyls is called so I am going with ream.  I do welcome discussions on the proper term.)  At this point Jobs did not have any plans on world domination, he mostly just enjoyed his time flying about the sky and eating stuff.

I should say here that pterodactyls are actually extremely intelligent, they are much like dolphins in the sense that pterodactyls would much rather fly about the sky terrorizing a T-Rex than worry about building silly things like buildings or cell phones.  They determined early on that the cell phone only leads to to cell phone bill and who really wants to deal with that.  So began the feud between the two.  Jobs wanted to build shit and pterodactyls wanted to watch the T-Rex flail around with tiny arms.

The times were changing.  The pterodactyls knew this and thought it best to work with Jobs rather than fight change and end up extinct, like the rest of their dinosaur brethren.  Jobs soon began starting companies and needed a distribution system.  Fortunately for both pterodactyls and Jobs the dinosaur birds could carry heavy loads great distances.  And so, once again, the happy couple was back at it, working in tandem to create a better world.

Then......tragedy.  For an inexplicable reason the world pterodactyl population was plummeting, there was a shortage of eggs.  Months of intensive study by all top dactylologists yielded no results.  There was simply no reason for the pandemic.  On October 3rd 1983, USA Today broke the story (coincidently this was the last piece of journalism produced by this paper) many top businessmen had been secretly purchasing and eating pterodactyl eggs. They taste like bacon wrapped unicorn.  And, to add insult to injury, Jobs was the ring leader behind this craze.  He was using the money to try and help his computer business in trying times.

Pterodactyls everywhere were furious and began swarming Jobs' house. (He moved out of the hut years ago.) He was prepared.  Having seen this coming from the start of his egg eating escapades he had the latest in pterodactyl defenses installed.  It was a slaughter and further destroyed the pterodactyl population.  Today, there are almost no pterodactyls left.  Most are breed in captivity and many of those still cant survive long.  Number are dwindling and the road ahead is meek.  Clearly, Steve Jobs is to blame.

I'm sure many of you are hearing about this for the first time.  Thinking it is nothing but jokes and conjecture.  Fiction for any entertaining post than some will find entertaining but I assure you it is not.  With the popularity of Apple Computers now it is no wonder that people have either forgot or covered up the actions of one alien-robot hybrid.  So remember, every time you buy apple products you are supporting dactylocide.

-theoreticalhero