Rabid Squirrel for Governor of California

This, generally speaking is not a political blog.  I do not intend to go on and on about the misgivings of the political institution.  However, this election season I believe that one candidate has met my requirements to advertise their candidacy on this blog, his name: Rabid Squirrel.  I will use the remainder of this blog to lay out his plan for California and various policies on domestic and foreign affairs.  Many of his policies seem to be counter-intuitive, which is why I support him with such vigor.  Please consider this my effort to begin a write-in vote campaign on his behalf

Economic Policy


As a squirrel, Rabid Squirrel (RS) supports a nut based economy.  It is clear now that the dollar is weak and RS believes that using nuts, instead of dollars, will help the underrepresented population of squirrels thrive in a harsh world.  Generally speaking RS does not pander to his squirrel base like this, but he believes that leaving them the economic dark is not something he can stand for.  On a personal note i do not think he realizes that squirrels eat those nuts thereby negating some of their economic prowess.  Still though,  a bold stance nonetheless. RS is so comitted to this practice that he is only accepting campisgn donations in the form of nuts.  He plans to pay for his entire campaign with nothing but nuts and nut products.  If you plan on contributing Almonds and Walnuts are seen as the most valuable.

Balancing the Budget


We all agree that balancing the budget in Sacramento is one of the gravest concerns facing the state.  Bickering within the state legislature and the governor refusing to sign for reasons of political grandstanding have created a situation that only new thinkers can fix.  The position of Rabid Squirrel is such that humans have done an excellent job ruining everything and that it is time for another species to attempt global domination.  RS will bring a new voice to balancing the budget and if the legislature decides to drag their feet, RS can do something other governors cannot, threaten to bite them and give them rabies as well.  Trust me this is not an idle threat.  Most of RS's campaign team lives in constant fear of being attacked for a litany of offenses, everything from insubordination to failing to properly categorize any donation of nuts that come in.

Education


We all agree that education is important to our society.  RS is no different.  He does have a few new ideas on how to improve the institution of education.  First, working also to decrease childhood obesity he plans to institute a tree climbing mandate in all public schools.  Tree climbing will become an important part of all physical education classes.  He hopes that in learning to climb trees students will accumulate more wealth (by finding the nuts still in the trees) and get in better shape, lowering our staggering healthcare costs.  In the classroom, RS supports refocusing on math and the sciences.  Specifically he wants to introduce squirrels as classroom pets at all levels of education.  This helps the students to learn about nature while simultaneously quelling the overwhelming problem of squirrel unemployment.

Environment


Not surprisingly RS does qualify as an "environmentalist."  As an animal, animal concerns are close to his heart.  Fortunately though, this practice does not require any new policies that would otherwise hurt business or cause undue harm to nature.  Given that the economy will now be nut based it is in everyone's best interest to preserve as much of nature as possible.  If the goal is still to accumulate wealth than the best course of action is to plant trees rather than cut them down.  Also, this will go to stopping global warming and fixing the hole in the ozone layer, as the increase in number of trees will help to naturally process the amount of carbon emissions entering the atmosphere.  Once again this is a policy where everyone involved can be appeased.  The squirrel is truly a visionary.

Immigration


Immigration is a touchy subject with RS.  He has yet to give a clear stance on the topic and has been accused of using distracting tactics to avoid the topic.  Specifically when the question of immigration policy is brought up a dog is released into the room and proceeds to chase RS around the room until security handles the situation.  At this point the press conference is shut down for fear of another dog incident.  Being a squirrel has its drawbacks.

Wedge Issues

This is where I find RS to be a surprising candidate.  First off he is very pro second amendment.  I find this to be shocking given the fact that he is a rabid rodent but I support his right to believe whatever he wants.  He may take it a bit too far though is has been heard saying things like, "I believe every family has the right to a .50 caliber machine gun mounted on their front porch."  A little extreme but bold nonetheless.  I should note here that he does NOT support privately owned land mines, probably for the best.

He is pro-choice as well.  Admittedly an odd combination, but he makes it work.  Although again he has been caught saying counter-intuitive things.  For example, with regard to his stance on abortion, "It is the right of every mother to eat the smallest of her litter as long as she does so in the first three days of life." Personally I think he is addressing the squirrel community in this statement but that has not stopped those from the Whitman and Brown camps from really taking him to task over this statement, perhaps rightfully so.

This is my take on the California gubernatorial race tomorrow.  Please remember that when you are in the booth tomorrow to give the squirrels a chance in government by voting for Rabid Squirrel.

-theoreticalhero